I’ve always been prone to overthinking. I examined profile pictures under a magnifying glass before even writing an opening message. I interpreted, assumed and categorised people. I tried to solve the dating “enigma” by spotting patterns and stereotypes. Perhaps I wanted to feel in control of something I couldn’t control. I analysed the other person far too much when I should have been thinking about who was compatible with me.
Getting to know someone really begins when you meet in the real world. The profile becomes flesh, expectations become reality. It’s dramatic because digital love rests on very little information: a few flattering photos, a considered bio, a couple of clever messages. Our imagination fills in the blanks. It builds a person who probably doesn’t exist.
Text doesn’t convey a voice, a look, body language, confidence, nervousness or how another person’s presence makes you feel. That’s why the picture nearly always lets you down, whether it was too optimistic or too doubtful.
I don’t want to condemn castles in the air. Daydreaming is part of dating’s charm. The little bubble of messages gives you energy and something to look forward to, and it can feel real even when the image later proves wrong.
Messages also make it safe to be a little braver and more open than you are face to face. For a while you can be a slightly more perfect version of yourself, and the other person is just the right distance away: close enough to inspire hope, far enough for reality not to spoil the story you’ve written in your head.
Let the fantasy delight you, but hold it lightly. Messages build a bridge and offer a better chance than a random encounter. But the person begins when you’re sitting across from each other in the physical world.