Third match this week. Apparently the women are back from holiday and their Tinder profiles are battle-ready. I should be collecting matches, but instead I hid my profile. I was already actively messaging a couple of people. Two more matches had arrived overnight, along with replies to earlier conversations. That little red notification dot is a guaranteed dopamine rush for an addict like me.
“Dating apps don’t work” is a tired claim. The truth is more complicated: for some people they work too well, while for others they barely work at all.
Apps sometimes offer more options than we, creatures accustomed to monogamy, can process. At the same time they give us less information than we need to make sensible decisions about whom to know better. The best strategy can be boring: less browsing and collecting matches, more getting to know people and meeting them. One person at a time isn’t bad advice, if we can overcome our impatience.
I learned this strategy on a discussion forum early in my single years: decide in advance how many matches to take, say three to five. Then hide your profile. Only take more when the current conversations have fizzled out, you’ve met them, or you’ve decided not to continue. That takes discipline, because we seek approval and dopamine.
Here, less really is more. Hoarding sabotages your own game. The person you didn’t have time to answer because you had seven other conversations probably won’t want to match with you again. And they might have been exactly your type.
I don’t know whether it was coincidence, but I met my current long-term partner when I was so exhausted by dating that I decided to try messaging just one person at a time.