I may be in the minority, but I fell in love with dating apps. Or not the apps themselves, perhaps, but the world they opened to me as a talented communicator and thinker. And the people I met there. As an introvert, it felt made for me. I no longer needed the courage to approach someone in real life. Pressing like and writing a clever opening message from the safety of home was easy. The rest always took care of itself. In five single years I went on around a hundred dates, found myself in the strangest places, hobbies and communities, and collected the most extraordinary experiences. I got to live the life I’d missed as a frightened young man and later during decades in long relationships.
“Tinder sucks,” people say. Then they delete it. And download it again a week later. I’ve heard that story many times.
Dating apps make a convenient scapegoat. They’re seen as meat markets, casual-sex services, shallow and the desperate person’s last resort. For a long time, looking for company on Tinder was embarrassing. Yet the people who criticised them seemed to return for lack of anything better.
The world I fell in love with eventually exhausted me too. I believe that’s an inevitable progression for everyone. Before then it opened doors to places and experiences I would never otherwise have entered. I’m grateful, even though I both felt and caused hurt along the way. When you do the work, things get messy; there’s no way around it. I can’t blame the app for everything people did to me, and certainly not for what I did to others.
Dating apps make painfully visible what we are, weaknesses included. It’s easier to stay in the safety of a bubble than face yourself. That’s why many users never get beyond the match. At that point you’ve received approval without rejection. You can pretend you’re wanted and everything is in your hands. You can choose anyone among your matches — at least in your imagination.
You can largely choose whether you see apps as a threat or an opportunity. The apps aren’t evil. They just bring the darkest shadows of the human mind out pretty damn effectively.