I love Eastern philosophy and often think about how Buddhist or Taoist ideas apply to dating. Wu wei is one of them. Dating is a blob, an amoeba you can’t get hold of. Just when you think you’ve had a great insight, the next person turns it upside down. Wu wei helped me accept that you can’t control the uncontrollable. Paradoxically, that acceptance gave me a feeling of control.
You don’t control the current of dating; you surf it. You can decide which way to swipe, whether to send a message or ask for a date, but not whether you match or the other person answers. You can act without trying to control the outcome. When a conversation stalls, accept the silence and let go. When someone interests you, suggest meeting instead of playing hard to get. Recognise the current and move with it instead of fighting it.
We want to know what the other person thinks, where this is going, whether to ask or whether that looks desperate. Broadly speaking, men often respond to this uncertainty by pushing or nagging; women by withdrawing or testing. Both are attempts to control a feeling of insecurity.
Overthinking tries to solve everything you can’t yet know. You read a message for the fifth time and wonder what the emoji means. Or study the photos again and again to figure out what the person really looks like. For me, wu wei is the opposite: I know what I don’t know and don’t script the future in my head. There are two options. I ask directly or leave it alone. Don’t try to solve another person inside your head.
Wu wei doesn’t mean doing nothing. Inaction is often fear and avoidance of responsibility. I’ve noticed my best encounters haven’t felt like performances. Things moved naturally. I’ve returned to a conversation years later when the timing wasn’t right the first time. Many beautiful meetings have followed when I let things unfold without overreacting.
Not every connection is love at once. Some paths cross several times before they finally come together.